An old lady offered me a lawn mowing gig. My first instinct was to accept. At the back of my mind, I sort expected to come home and pick up where I left off before university. I would move back into my old bedroom, go back to high school, work simple menial jobs and return to the carefree lifestyle of adolescence.

Wait a sec… I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t work that way. I am a university graduate. And not just any old graduate; I’m a graduate of Queen’s University. I’m destined to walk corridors of power, scale the heights of bureaucracy, rub shoulders with the upper echelons of society and command a princely salary. Not mow lawns for $20 and the odd glass of lemonade. The only grads mowing lawns studied Turfgrass Management or Post-Impressionist Scandinavian Ice Sculpture.

Of course, I didn’t subject the poor old lady to this highfalutin lecture. “Sorry mam, lawn mowing does not align with my professional goals. You see, I’m a pseudo-professional triathlete specializing in the Southern Ontario non-drafting short-course age-group triathlon circuit.”, I explained.

Lots of newly-minted grads take off to some exotic locale to get drunk or build orphanages (often both). As a misanthrope bound to a rigid daily routine, I don’t tend to enjoy travelling. So instead, I’m going to be a pseudo-pro for a while. Every hard working grad has earned a few guilt-free months of goofing off, right?

So what, pray tell, is a pseudo-pro? It’s someone who adopts the lifestyle of a professional athlete without the requisite talent to make it a viable career. It can also be considered a mental disorder related to megalomania.

This summer isn’t a total write-off in terms of career development. I’m going to do a little real work and I can also spin my triathletic endeavors into resume-worthy material. Check it out.

Responsibilities include:

  1. Formulating and executing aquatic, velocipedal and bipedal locomotion sessions (aka training)
  2. Cultivating gastronomic sensibilities (aka eating)
  3. Maintaining hydration equilibrium (aka quaffing innumerable mugs of tea)
  4. Partaking in narcoleptic interludes (aka napping)
  5. Attending industry conventions (aka racing)
  6. Keeping abreast of industry news and best practices (aka perusing Slowtwitch).
  7. Curating an online identity (aka blogging)
  8. Conducting media interviews and public appearances (everyone embellishes resumes a little, right?)
I also prepared some responses to standard interview questions:
What are the greatest challenges you have faced? How did you handle them?
Post-workout somnolence. Naps.
Flat tire. Called mom to pick me up.
What is your greatest strength? weakness?
Abs. Biceps.
Do you take work home with you?
Are you a team player?
***awkward silence***
Oh yeah, mom and dad, don’t worry if you happen to read this. I won’t be a pseudo-pro triathlete forever. I’ll vacate the nest eventually. Be thankful that our basement is uninhabitable…