In my last blog I mentioned a guy groping his girlfriend in a café. As far as inappropriate public displays of affection go, that was nothing. One day when I was swimming, a teenage boy and girl joined my lane. It quickly became clear that they were more interested in each other than in swimming. Pretty soon, they were getting physical on the wall. Disturbingly, other lanes emptied out yet they remained in my lane. Every flip turn I would catch unwanted upside-down glimpses of the aquatic exhibitionists. Then a funny thought occurred to me; is it still considered dry humping if it happens in a pool?

Last week I blogged about back to school stress. For students—some of the most stressed out, busy, emotionally-compromised and generally screwed up people on planet Earth—it’s no secret that endorphins are a powerful feel good tonic. Every day hundreds of Lululemon-clad, iPod-totting treadmill mavens and balloon-muscled, booze-oozing lax bros flock to the Queen’s athletic centre to get their dose. For these folks, 15 minutes of “cardio” plus 2.5 chin-ups or a $30 jazzpilateskickboxercise class may suffice. But the chronic exercise fiend must go to far greater lengths to obtain a satisfactory fix.
Some days you need to bring in the heavy artillery. You know the days that I’m talking about. The days where every event confirms that the world is conspiring against you. Everyone should have a go-to workout to blow off steam for days like these. I’m going to share one of my favourites.

When it comes to aggro workouts, nothing tops swimming for me. My high school swim coach showed me a perfect one: “fifty-fifties-on-fifty”, that is 50 times 50 metres on a pace time on 50 seconds (nice ring to it eh?). I dedicate each 50 to a different thing that is pissing me off, like 1) power-tripping university administrators, 2) sadistic physics profs, 3) engineers slamming their jackets at 2am, 4) the grocery store being out of mint gum, 5) the grandma doing head-up breastroke in the fast lane, etc.; No issue is too trivial. Metre by metre a transformation occurs and I leave the pool mellow and content.
Experiences like this lead me to the obvious conclusion that most conflicts are simply the result of inadequate mileage. If global superpowers invested a fraction of their defence budgets in public fitness programs, the world would be a mellower place. A few hours a day of training and it’s hard to summon the motivation to get off the couch, let alone wage a war. Watch out, this blog just got political.